How do I deal?

So when you know for 100% that your husband (who left you a month ago, but is going to counseling to come back home again) is lying to you about where he is on a regular basis, and is quite possibly cheating on you... what the HELL do you do?!

Why is everything so hard?

This separation is really starting to take its toll on me. For the first week, I just was so mad, that I didn't really deal with it. The second week I was so busy, I could just pretend it wasn't happening.... but now it is sinking in. Gabs daddy went away this weekend. He announced last night that he'd be gone and don't expect to hear from him until Sunday night when he will call us. I asked where he was going, he wasn't interested in telling me, I asked what he'd be doing, again, nothing.

We have started to tell people, i.e. our parents, and a couple close friends. Turns out I didn't need support until a couple people knew, now I feel like I am absolutely falling apart. I think telling people made it more real.

Fridays used to be my favorite day of the week, but I dreaded 3:00 today. I had to go pick up Gabs (which I love doing) but we then had 72 hours stretching out in front of us with no real plans. How lonely. Our house was the last place I wanted to be.

Don't get me wrong. I love my Gabs more than anything in the world but it's not easy to spend the weekend with just a 2 year old and a pomeranian for companionship. We have errands to run, but it's not worth it unless I am uber organized and can make sure that I can run the errands quickly, and get everything I need while I am out.

I guess I am super whiny tonight, but I haven't had a chance to throw myself a pity party yet since Gabs daddy left... perhaps this is the start of it.

Tough Times

It just seems like 2011 is NOT the year for our family. It started out rough, and looked like things might turn around this summer, but it was not to be. Gab's daddy has left us. It devastates me to write that but I need to start coming to terms with it and understanding what that means for my life. Not only did he leave, but he left 2 days before my birthday. His actual plan was to leave on my birthday, but I wasn't going to be OK with him staying here for 2 days knowing he didn't want to be with me.... and then to leave ON my birthday. Seriously? His reasoning was that his mother was leaving for a trip on my birthday so he'd be able to leave, and not tell anyone. Too bad... if he was so sure leaving us was a good idea, then he must be ok with letting people know?!

Sorry, that's my frustration and confusion coming out. I know we had a fight, but it didn't seem different than any other disagreement we'd ever had. But the story has slowly come out, he's been unhappy for a year. A YEAR?! I am not unhappy more than a day and I am telling him about it so we can deal and move on. A YEAR?! REALLY??? I am beyond sad and confused. We are going to see a counselor tomorrow... (We saw one Monday but it was a disaster, to be blogged about later...) and hopefully that will help. I have to maintain hope because I cannot imagine not being with Gabs daddy. He is my best friend, and while I know we have some issues, I hate to think that, with everything else we've been through, we couldn't work through this.

Here's hoping that our lucky number 13 strikes again tomorrow.

Swamped!

I am swamped at work, swamped at home, just plain swamped! How and WHEN did life get so busy??

Well work is a beast of its own. This year my job has evolved and it seems perhaps that I am evolving more slowly thus am not able to keep up. It just seems that once again, with the promise of a new year in front of me, and an empty calendar, that I was hell bent this year on filling it up as much as possible! That's made my home life tougher...

I wake Gabs up now nearly every morning. We rush to get out the door, I kiss her a quick goodbye and I am out of daycare by 7:15 at the latest. My last meetings usually conclude at 4:30 so I get to her by 4:45. Home at 5:15 for dinner, a couple books, and bed.

I absolutely live for my weekends when I am able to put work aside and focus on family. We like to take Gabs places and do things, but I try to keep at least half a day at home to just chill out and enjoy her. Get to know all the things she's learned over the week and to relax. Those are my favorite moments....

Columbus day is just a couple weeks away. Hopefully that weekend will be a nice reprieve and by then work should calm down?

Tough Decisions

I knew being a mommy would come with some hard decisions to make.... eventually. I just didn't realize some of them would be so soon! And I also thought that once some of these decisions were made, they'd be all set.

Daycare is the decision I am wrestling with right now. Just before Gabs was born we explored daycares and picked what we thought was going to be a warm, caring environment for her. We were wrong, and she only stayed there two weeks. Our prayers were answered and Gabs has been at a fabulous day care for the last 18 months....

Now however, I wonder if this daycare is the right space for Gabs as a toddler. She's come home injured a few times this week. The provider shared that another child has been pinching her, and she can name most PBS TV characters from a mile away (they watch a considerable amount of TV). I thought this decision was behind me. She's in a place where she is deeply loved which is by far the most important thing for me, but it's not the only thing.... eeeek.... decision making time again.

Toddler Illness

I am going to use this post as a vent.

My daughter is sick- AGAIN. Now I know being sick is part of being a child, especially when said child attends daycare. However, it seems that my child keeps getting ill after others and the other parents are not disclosing their child's illness. Let me start at the beginning...

On the 4th of July Gabs had a 104* fever and had strep throat. I was lamenting to a friend of mine who remarked, oh, so-and-so's child had strep last week... when I mentioned to daycare that Gabs had strep they made a big deal about it, "OH! We are going to have to let parents know that strep is going around now.... *sigh*." I thought to myself, "so-and-so had it first," but I didn't say anything... I just took the shame.

Now Gabs has a sore in her mouth and it came out from a neutral third party that a child at daycare had hand, foot and mouth disease last week.... hmmmmmmm. At pedi yesterday Gabs was confirmed with HFM. AGAIN I do not think daycare knows about these illnesses.

Now the pediatrician assured me that HFM goes through daycares like wildfire and is common during the summer... That made me feel better but I guess what I am most indignant about is at the fact that when I mention that Gabs is sick with whatever, I am made to feel like the crappy mommy who brings all the disease to daycare when I know at least one child routinely has these things before her. The pedi assured me that it's a good idea, and in the best interest of all the children to disclose when my child has a virus or illness, but that it's not necessary and parents are within their right to send sick, contagious children to daycare if they're not running a fever.

Grrrrr so again, I will be crappy mommy and tell daycare, but I tell you what, next time she is sick and I hear that someone at daycare had it the week prior, I may end up calling them out. There's no need that a.) My child needs to be sick because they send a sick child to daycare, and b.) I feel like a shit mom when sitters give me a hard time about her being sick. Grrrrr

Man In The Yellow Hat Mondays

I'd like to start a regular feature here in my blog, Man In The Yellow Hat Mondays. You all know who the MITYH is right? He Curious George's best friend of course. While my husband was out of work, he and Gabs got addicted to PBS. As a literacy specialist I do not condone this at all, but I must admit, a few minutes of T.V. while I make dinner is sometimes just what I need.

Back to the MITYH... DH called me at work one day to gripe about this MITYH. I rolled my eyes, and told him to get over it, MITYH is just a cartoon character. But now that George comes on at 5:00, perfect dinner making time, I too have begun to notice just how absurd MITYH is.

So come back next Monday for the first official MITYH Monday! :-)